We aren’t together anymore…

She’s constantly reminding me that we aren’t together anymore, yet she sneaks around when she’s with someone else.

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single…yet she plays the same emotional games that we played 3 years ago…

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want to be married anymore…keeps telling me that she’s over that part because she had to accept me moving onto someone else even though I hadn’t really moved on and we had that discussion.

But somehow her disrespecting me and hiding things from me is acceptable but me being bothered by it and being upset because of her actions is unacceptable.

Why am I of no value to the woman that chose me. Why am I disposable to the woman that promised to love me for better or for worse. Why am I nothing to the one person that made the conscious decision to keep me around forever.

Why am I not enough.

Why does this hurt so much.

Why can’t I just walk away from all of this even though I know that I deserve and need better than what she can give me.

Why am I destroying myself.

Why do I allow this to continue to happen.
Do I really love myself as much as I thought I did?

Will I ever know what self love Is? ­čśö
I’ve managed to destroy myself once again.

Life is great. Life is grand.

Hollow

I feel empty.

I feel…well I guess I don’t actually feel anything.

I want to disappear.

If I could crawl into a corner and put some kind of impenetrable Force field around me…I would. I need an escape. But not a vacation. I need to let my mind wander and take its own journey but unfortunately I can’t do that right now. I have two more weeks of no sleep and the constant doom and gloom of failure.
I think I’m about to fall into another depressive episode.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t last long.

I don’t know how long I can hold on 

Dammit

It scares me a little how quickly the confusion passed. But the more I look at the details of my situation, the more it makes sense. But now I’m stuck in a different ┬ásense.

I know where I’m supposed to be and what I need to be working towards…and I know who is supposed to be with me for that journey, but I still find myself looking behind me. I still find myself scared to move forward and afraid to allow life to takes its course because I know what’s happened to me in the past and it freaks me out.

What happens if i continue to let him have all of me and he just goes back to what he knows now. What if he decides that it’s not enough and he goes back to what he had before me. What if…just like my ex wife..I’m not enough until after everything is already done. Where does that leave me. How am I supposed to live with that…how am I supposed to heal yet again.

And I can’t help but wonder why this keeps happening to me. It’s almost as if life is just watching to see when I’m happy again so that it can destroy it all.

What if I’m making a mistake by being weary of this. What if I’m supposed to just go into this and this is my chance to let all of my doubts and fears go?! Why can’t I just trust this?!

Absolutely nothing in me feels any need to hesitate…I didn’t even feel this sure of my marriage. It’s not a rushed comfort. It’s not forced. It’s not insincere like everything before. There’s a peace and a genuine curiosity between he and I…and it scares me.

Maybe it’s just not my time. Maybe I’m supposed to spend some more time on my own before I can accept what he brings to the table. But I don’t want to wait that long..however long that may be. I don’t want to wait because I know there’s a chance that I never actually wake up. I can’t let his soul pass me by.

Here’s to the re-shredding of my soul. Hopefully this time it’s only the process that ruins me and not the person.

Confused

I think I fucked up.

As per the usual, feelings and vibes are completely unintentional things that just…happen sometimes. But what happens when you think that you can handle just feeling it out with someone because you connect so well…even when things don’t line up 100%. What happens when someone drops into your life and you go from knowing what you want and what you don’t want to wondering if you’d be making a huge mistake pushing them into a place in your life that you know they don’t belong. What the hell are you supposed to do when two people that complement you so well drop into your life at the exact same time and you find yourself gravitating somewhere in the middle. What do you do when there isn’t a single “yeah I’m gonna need this to stay strictly platonic” in sight? How do you go about exploring your emotions without damaging one or both people in the process? How the hell did I end up in this situation?!

I don’t want to hurt either man that just walked into my life. I “see” them both…but I see each of them in very different ways. Part of me is practically screaming at me to swing one way and hope that the other can understand and remain a good friend…but I also know how wrong that is. I don’t think that anyone else has ever pulled me in any direction like this. He hasn’t flipped my world upside down but he’s definitely pulled me into a place that I never thought I would step into for someone. I never saw myself being caught between people. But here I am. Fucking stuck and it’s not even a bad place.

I’ve never wanted to give so much to two people at the same time.

I don’t know that I’m ready for this.

But I know that I don’t want to deprive myself of any feeling….especially when you can feel the care.