We aren’t together anymore…

She’s constantly reminding me that we aren’t together anymore, yet she sneaks around when she’s with someone else.

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single…yet she plays the same emotional games that we played 3 years ago…

She’s constantly reminding me that she doesn’t want to be married anymore…keeps telling me that she’s over that part because she had to accept me moving onto someone else even though I hadn’t really moved on and we had that discussion.

But somehow her disrespecting me and hiding things from me is acceptable but me being bothered by it and being upset because of her actions is unacceptable.

Why am I of no value to the woman that chose me. Why am I disposable to the woman that promised to love me for better or for worse. Why am I nothing to the one person that made the conscious decision to keep me around forever.

Why am I not enough.

Why does this hurt so much.

Why can’t I just walk away from all of this even though I know that I deserve and need better than what she can give me.

Why am I destroying myself.

Why do I allow this to continue to happen.
Do I really love myself as much as I thought I did?

Will I ever know what self love Is? šŸ˜”
I’ve managed to destroy myself once again.

Life is great. Life is grand.

Advertisements

Hollow

I feel empty.

I feel…well I guess I don’t actually feel anything.

I want to disappear.

If I could crawl into a corner and put some kind of impenetrable Force field around me…I would. I need an escape. But not a vacation. I need to let my mind wander and take its own journey but unfortunately I can’t do that right now. I have two more weeks of no sleep and the constant doom and gloom of failure.
I think I’m about to fall into another depressive episode.

Fingers crossed it doesn’t last long.

I don’t know how long I can hold on 

Dammit

It scares me a little how quickly the confusion passed. But the more I look at the details of my situation, the more it makes sense. But now I’m stuck in a different Ā sense.

I know where I’m supposed to be and what I need to be working towards…and I know who is supposed to be with me for that journey, but I still find myself looking behind me. I still find myself scared to move forward and afraid to allow life to takes its course because I know what’s happened to me in the past and it freaks me out.

What happens if i continue to let him have all of me and he just goes back to what he knows now. What if he decides that it’s not enough and he goes back to what he had before me. What if…just like my ex wife..I’m not enough until after everything is already done. Where does that leave me. How am I supposed to live with that…how am I supposed to heal yet again.

And I can’t help but wonder why this keeps happening to me. It’s almost as if life is just watching to see when I’m happy again so that it can destroy it all.

What if I’m making a mistake by being weary of this. What if I’m supposed to just go into this and this is my chance to let all of my doubts and fears go?! Why can’t I just trust this?!

Absolutely nothing in me feels any need to hesitate…I didn’t even feel this sure of my marriage. It’s not a rushed comfort. It’s not forced. It’s not insincere like everything before. There’s a peace and a genuine curiosity between he and I…and it scares me.

Maybe it’s just not my time. Maybe I’m supposed to spend some more time on my own before I can accept what he brings to the table. But I don’t want to wait that long..however long that may be. I don’t want to wait because I know there’s a chance that I never actually wake up. I can’t let his soul pass me by.

Here’s to the re-shredding of my soul. Hopefully this time it’s only the process that ruins me and not the person.

Confused

I think I fucked up.

As per the usual, feelings and vibes are completely unintentional things that just…happen sometimes. But what happens when you think that you can handle just feeling it out with someone because you connect so well…even when things don’t line up 100%. What happens when someone drops into your life and you go from knowing what you want and what you don’t want to wondering if you’d be making a huge mistake pushing them into a place in your life that you know they don’t belong. What the hell are you supposed to do when two people that complement you so well drop into your life at the exact same time and you find yourself gravitating somewhere in the middle. What do you do when there isn’t a single “yeah I’m gonna need this to stay strictly platonic” in sight? How do you go about exploring your emotions without damaging one or both people in the process? How the hell did I end up in this situation?!

I don’t want to hurt either man that just walked into my life. I “see” them both…but I see each of them in very different ways. Part of me is practically screaming at me to swing one way and hope that the other can understand and remain a good friend…but I also know how wrong that is. I don’t think that anyone else has ever pulled me in any direction like this. He hasn’t flipped my world upside down but he’s definitely pulled me into a place that I never thought I would step into for someone. I never saw myself being caught between people. But here I am. Fucking stuck and it’s not even a bad place.

I’ve never wanted to give so much to two people at the same time.

I don’t know that I’m ready for this.

But I know that I don’t want to deprive myself of any feeling….especially when you can feel the care.

I Let My Fear Consume Me

It’s been almost an entire year since I’ve last posted anything here. I’ve written plenty of physical journal entries and letters…only to turn around and burn them. But I most definitely let my fear of having an actual something to look back on consume me…and it stopped me from writing here. And now here I am, turning 24 next month and in the last year everything has changed…and I can hardly remember most of it.Ā I’m not even upset with myself. There’s no point in being upset over something to miniscule and insignificant. But it is time for me to let that fear and cowardice go so that I can finally spread my wings again.

I know I said that everything has changed and usually that’s an exaggeration but everything really has changed since my last time here. I live somewhere else, my hair is gone, I actually have a dog now, I’m closer to finding the inner-peace that I had been half ass searching for all this time, I’ve accepted more of myself, I’ve learned to love myself a lot more, I’m getting a divorce, and I’m getting back on track.

Two months ago I was still breaking down at the thought of the word divorce. There was so much shame and anger that came along with even considering that it was a possibility. It has taken some time and a whole lot of pain and struggling, but I have finally realized and accepted that I deserve so much better than what I had. I have learned to trust myself and to put myself first. I have learned that it is possible for me to leave myself vulnerable to someone, be totally stepped on and rejected, but still hold my head high and keep my heart full at the same time. I will not lie and say that something in me didn’t crack and nearly collapse the first time she told me that she wanted a divorce…and the second time, and the third time…maybe even the fourth. But the day that I had finally found the strength to tell her that she didn’t deserve me and that I also wanted a divorce…that was the day I felt a piece of my soul soar. It was at that moment that I felt myself start to pick back up for the first time in two years. It was the first time that I felt that I was capable of moving forward on my own because I am enough. I am strong enough, I am independent enough. I am simply enough. It is not my fault that I gave my all and the person who had unfiltered access to all of me did not want it. So now that I have figured out how to open myself, I have begun to give myself the unfiltered access that she once had. It’s an amazing feeling.

I’ve stopped questioning why my growth is “taking so long” or why it’s so hard on some days and seems so simple on others. More of me is excited for my journey than that portion of me that is afraid. I am in no rush to figure out my life by any means, but I am as ready as I could possibly be in this moment.

I originally thought that everything happening to me was a curse. I had convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy of the effort that it was going to take in order to heal because I was still listening to the voices that lingered in my head telling me that I would never be worth anything. They were wrong. I was wrong. But not anymore.

I will continue to push forward.

I will continue to grow.

I will continue to love the woman that I’ve become, and I will love the woman that I grow into during this journey.

 

I’m here. Not just as a physical being.

My soul has arrived, and she’s ready to show herself to the world.

Summer’s Here

As I say every year when Gemini season &summer hit..my season is here ,and it’s my time to shine. HA! That’s a joke this year. Summer may be here, but I have not yet arrived. The way I feel right now…definitely still an internal winter.

Today was the first time in over 3 years that I successfully completed some portionĀ of school. I was relieved…at least until I realized what being done for the time being means. Now that I don’t have school to consume all of my extra time, everything else that I’ve been avoiding will have the chance to get to me again.

I hadn’t realized just how much I give a damn about where I end up in life until tonight. I find myself constantly denying (it’s actually attempting to deny and failing miserably) the fact that I care so much about where I end up in life that I literally lose sleep most of the week b/c I sit up through the long hours of the damn night thinking about it. I’m not even 23 yet and I’ve found myself almost to the point of yanking my hair out atĀ the root b/c I become so worried with my life falling apart before I even realize that it’s happening. And every time someone tells me that I should stop worrying because I’m still so young…a very large part of me wants to tell them the shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I know they’re partially right…but it’s just so irritating for some reason. Maybe I’m just a control freak.

But anywho. Despite how alive I feel every time I get some time in the sun, I’m honestly dreading summer to some degree. There’s so much internal pressure to be happy. I’m going on vacation and getting away from work for three weeks. I’ll be spending lots of one on one time with the love of my life. I should be happy right? Absolutely bursting with excitement…right?

I guess I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around my emotions. Since I got the news of my grandmothers passing last week I’ve been pretty numb to everything. I can feel the angst bubbling inside of me…just waiting for the moment when everything that I’ve been feeling will force it’s way out and leave me sobbing uncontrollably in a random corner of my house. Maybe I’ll finally feel some comfort. Maybe I’ll finally start my healing process. But what is there to heal? Shouldn’t I be happy that she’s finally in a better place and no long in pain? Shouldn’t I be celebrating her very long life? I just can’t help but feel a little guilty for being so selfish about how I feel about this, but at the same time grief hit me so hard that I am literally a walking, breathing, lump of nothing right now. Never in my life before this have I truly felt this……..detached? I’m not even sure how to describe it.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Hopefully there is no rain so that I can get sufficient outside time.

I’ll hold onto my hope. It’s what she would have wanted.

 

Well, Here I Am

I honestly have no idea what I’m doing here.

I guess I’m here primarily for my own benefit. I need an outlet.

Writing gets mundane. And my brain moves faster than I can write, so all too often I forget my thoughts before they actually reach the paper.

I’m not sure that anyone will ever see this…I’m okay with that.

I guess a piece of me finds comfort in this never being found. It’ll be like my digital diary…but with a side of danger?

But I’ll start by recounting what I know so far. And then from there, this will be my life journey log.

So if you find this, and you’re reading…I’m letting you know now that you’ve stepped into a piece of my personal hellfire that is my thoughts. Enjoy the ride. It’s going to be one hell of a journey.