Dammit

It scares me a little how quickly the confusion passed. But the more I look at the details of my situation, the more it makes sense. But now I’m stuck in a different  sense.

I know where I’m supposed to be and what I need to be working towards…and I know who is supposed to be with me for that journey, but I still find myself looking behind me. I still find myself scared to move forward and afraid to allow life to takes its course because I know what’s happened to me in the past and it freaks me out.

What happens if i continue to let him have all of me and he just goes back to what he knows now. What if he decides that it’s not enough and he goes back to what he had before me. What if…just like my ex wife..I’m not enough until after everything is already done. Where does that leave me. How am I supposed to live with that…how am I supposed to heal yet again.

And I can’t help but wonder why this keeps happening to me. It’s almost as if life is just watching to see when I’m happy again so that it can destroy it all.

What if I’m making a mistake by being weary of this. What if I’m supposed to just go into this and this is my chance to let all of my doubts and fears go?! Why can’t I just trust this?!

Absolutely nothing in me feels any need to hesitate…I didn’t even feel this sure of my marriage. It’s not a rushed comfort. It’s not forced. It’s not insincere like everything before. There’s a peace and a genuine curiosity between he and I…and it scares me.

Maybe it’s just not my time. Maybe I’m supposed to spend some more time on my own before I can accept what he brings to the table. But I don’t want to wait that long..however long that may be. I don’t want to wait because I know there’s a chance that I never actually wake up. I can’t let his soul pass me by.

Here’s to the re-shredding of my soul. Hopefully this time it’s only the process that ruins me and not the person.

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